I recently flew back to my home town in Sydney for a 12-day-stint of suprises, cold-pressed juices, and warm winter soups.
Seeing as my whole family is split over several states of Australia, I decided that I would tell my mum and my sister that I was returning home, so as they could make the arrangements possible to come join me for a reunion with each other, and my brother and grandparents that are in fact situated in New South Wales.
I was greeted with an abundance of love from my wonderful friends and family.
My trip back to Sydney was eye-opening in many ways (as it always is). I realised lots of different aspects of decisions and choices I have made in my life both present and past, I recognised the growing respect I have for myself, and I reconciled with the unconditional love I know my family has for me.
More than anything, being in Sydney made me recognise how incredible a few mothers I know, truly are. I was overwhelmed by the force of inspiring mums I have surrounding me, I needed some time to soak it all in.
I have been back on the road for about a week and I have now had enough time to evaluate all the mothers I know that are so incredible. To name a few my own, her own, my best friends amazing mother, my boyfriends INSPIRING mother, incredible pro-active social-media mothers that just genuinely kick ass , the list goes on..
Which leads me to this blog post. A blog post that if you were to google, I am sure 1 MILLION other bloggers with the same title would come up.
A blog post that, whilst so many have already been written, so many more still need to be eagerly acknowledged by those whom have not written one yet.
A blog post that, personally, not only for my own mother, but for all the incredible mothers I have come to know in my life, has taken me much too many years too long to write.
A blog post for the source of all beings, all life.
This one is for mum.
I’m writing you this to tell you that, even though I was once a teenage brat, neglectful for all you gave up for me, all you spent on me, and all you believed in me, I am grateful.
I want to tell you that I am sorry for each time I have lied to you, each time I had my fingers crossed behind my back and hoped you wouldn’t see through my white lies.
I am sorry that I snapped at you.. A lot. I am sorry that I ran away from you, from our home. And I am sorry if I ever spoke the words “I hate you”, because you know that is not true.
Mum, I am sorry that I am apologising when you taught me that you should never be sorry for who you are.
I am sorry that even now, sometimes I can still send you crazy, as you do me, for silly little things… I guess it just shows how much we really do love each other though, to be thrown in a melodramatic outburst over something so un-dramatic.
Mum, for the countless nights you lay awake worried about me, where I was, who I was with, was I safe? Cold? Ok?… Was I ok?
I am sorry that you had those nights, I am sorry that you still probably do sometimes… Though now that I am older the fear has changed from worrying about if I was taking drugs, or drinking underage, to, if I will survive traveling with my thumb out on the road, or if I will follow my dreams instead of drifting through life unhappy.
Dear mum, I am sorry that whilst I was your whole world, my world was lost in going out, shiny things, boys, and other such typical things that teenage girls revolve their lives around.
Mum, know this please;
I am ok. In fact, I am more than ok. I am fantastic. I am amazing. I am happy, healthy, strong and I see the world with eyes wide open.
This is because of you.
Because you fought for what you wanted, you do everyday. Because you taught me that it’s ok to let my guard down, that it’s ok to love.
You taught me how to be maternal. You will teach me, one day when I have my own, how to be a mother.
Mum. I am sorry that you had to watch me go through pain, that you will still have to as life goes on… But you are here and so am I.
My dearest mum, my beautiful warrior, thank you for all you’ve done.
You didn’t fail, not with me, or any of my siblings. Not with your marriage, or your mortgage, or your career or even with your own parents. So please stop ever questioning that you did.
You soared through it all. You are still soaring, because just like me, you don’t like to have your feet on the ground.
Thank you for raising me the way YOU wanted to raise me, not the way your neighbors, your friends or society wanted me to be raised. Your alternative methods and dreams led me to my own.
Mum, even though I’m in my 20s and you think I don’t need you anymore, you know deep down that I really do, that I always will.
Dear mum, I love you.